Log in

No account? Create an account
This road leads nowhere. [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(1 dream | thrown away.)

do it or die bitches. [12 Jun 2004|11:45pm]


goodbye to this journal </3

(1 dream | thrown away.)

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first. [11 Jun 2004|11:50pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

What an eventful Friday today was. Shauna and I woke up around one to my father screaming a flickering the lights on and off. We got out of bed about thirty minutes later and cleaned up a bit and did some laundry. We ate Top Ramen. I called my mother and she was being a bitch. It amazes me how we are three states away and yet we still find something to fight about. I mentioned to her about John and Danyel coming to pick me up, and this definetly wasn't the first time I said something to her about it. She started saying how she "would rather me just fly home". That's fucking ridiculous, John and Danyel are already wanting to drive up here, and that would be pointless for us all to be going back to the same place but they drive and I fly. My father wouldn't have to take off work to drive me to the Charlotte Airport and I wouldn't have to sit in a loud airport/airplane all by myself and have my ears pop. I really don't understand her sometimes. She thinks she is angry now, haha wait until she gets my report card tomorrow. I can barely wait.

My step mother came back from Florida today, she jumped down Shauna's throat because the baby was playing with a razor that happened to be owned by Shauna. And we all know that was Shauna's fault because she just loves giving little children razor blades. Then there was a spider the size of Canada sitting in the hallway and everyone refused to kill it. So it ran happily into one of the four bedrooms and we have yet to find it. I can't wait to wake up in the middle of the night tonight with a giant brown spider sitting on my nose.

Work was fucking retarded. The air conditioner broke and it was 103 degrees outside. I think I lost 30 pounds in body fluids tonight from all the sweating I did. It was fucking rediculous.

I work bright and early tomorrow, and I swear to FUCKING GOD if the air conditioner is still fucking broken, I will walk my happy ass next door to Krispy Kreme and sit there and eat donuts all day.

I start drama camp on Monday, and I am not really looking forward to that too much. I am not one for mingling with new people and making friends. I love acting, but I am really shy and have horrible stage fright. I don't understand why I even bother. Last year at this same camp, they had us fucking singing and dancing. If they pull this shit this year I will blow up the campus.

I have been writting in my offline journal alot lately, it's basically my only friend up here. As pathetic as that seems...

I am trying to clear my head, with all this meditation and stuff. I want to try new things. I want to explore the world, I want to fall in love, I want to commit to something or someone, I want to buy new clothes. I want to go places I've never been, see things that I have never seen. I think I am ready to conquer just about anything. I hope I do alot of maturing and growing up over this summer.

I hope everyone down in Florida is having a nice summer. =)

(4 dreams | thrown away.)

THE QUESTIONS: [11 Jun 2004|02:13pm]
[ mood | calm ]

• When was the last time you had passion in your life?
• Are decisions hard to make for you?
• Do you find yourself tired and/or lonely?
• Do you have difficulties relating and communicating?
• What is intimacy for you?
• Is commitment a scary word?
• Are feelings something you avoid?
• Are you anxious or afraid?
• Does life seem like a merry-go-round of routines and respnsibilities?
• Are you repeating the same patterns without knowing why?
• Is finding love difficult for you?
• What is your purpose in life?
• Do you live in chaos and crisis?
• When was the happiest day of your life?
• Is it now?

(3 dreams | thrown away.)

A new day. [11 Jun 2004|03:59am]
[ mood | excited ]

It's 4 am and I am learning how to meditate.

I am going to also be able to predict the future.

I want to walk on water, and hold someones hand.

(2 dreams | thrown away.)

forever is such an unpleasant word. [10 Jun 2004|12:40am]
[ mood | awake ]

The highlight of my day was driving a lawn mower. The neat lawn mowers that you actually sit on and steer it and stuff, it was so exciting. I even got PAYED TWENTY DOLLARS.

My father also tricked me into driving on I-95, (not with the lawn mower, in his jeep). I almost fucking killed us both and the thirty other cars within 100 feet of me.

I am excited to find out what tomorrow will bring. =)

(thrown away.)

Here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears we knew we've cried. [08 Jun 2004|12:51pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I worked last night, got a slushie from Sonic, then came home. It was all-in-all, a very exciting day. I came home and talked to Danyel for a while, I bet her hair looks really good. Har-v and I talked for like two hours, sometimes he really pisses me off. But I realized that maybe he is right, and he only yells at me for my own good. He says that I am not ready for a relationship, and now I believe him.

As for my last entry, jesus fucking chirst you guys it had nothing to do with Caitlin. Am I not alloud to have my own problems not involving anyone else? I guess not.

It's 1:04 and I am awake, it's very surprising. Shauna got me McDonalds this morning on her way home from Summer School, so that was very nice of her.

I don't want to come back to Florida anymore.

(6 dreams | thrown away.)

how about swallow a razor blade? [07 Jun 2004|11:49pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

ugh. guess your fucking right. I don't understand how I am three states away and the shit is still here.

just FUCKING shoot me.

(thrown away.)

I will love you. [06 Jun 2004|11:52pm]
someone mail me a pack of parliament lights.
154 Darian Drive
Lexington, SC, 29073.

(thrown away.)

[06 Jun 2004|02:39am]
sometimes nice people confuse me.

like trick questions on the FCAT.

(2 dreams | thrown away.)

It's alright if you love me. It's alright if you don't. [06 Jun 2004|12:34am]
[ mood | passive ]

I worked last night and today and I am working tomorrow, which is good because I will be getting payed and that is always a plus.
I miss Julie and Danyel an aweful lot. The last week I was there I was with them every day, almost every hour. It's weird being seperated from those fuckers.
I also miss alot of other people. God dammit, I am pathetic, I am gone for two days and already I miss people.
But on the other hand, I am glad to get away from some people, and some situations. Cott damn.
Shauna burned me some CDs, like the Tom Petty one and the Punk Goes Acoustic that I left on the airplane last time.
Hmm, yeah I guess that's it.

Love, chelsea.

(3 dreams | thrown away.)

[05 Jun 2004|12:55am]
I am here.
I just got off work like an hour ago.
I am trying old antique jewerly with Shauna because she is a fucking psycho.
Love you.

(2 dreams | thrown away.)

[03 Jun 2004|09:10pm]
dude the Adam's Family is on.

this just made sitting on my ass all night so much better.

(thrown away.)

if you hold the head steady Imma milk the cow. [03 Jun 2004|05:51pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I got a new computer, but I have no where to put it. It's in my fucking entertainment center slot and it's very inconvienent. But I am not complaining.

I just went and got my permit, I can't believe that I actually passed. It was a very large surprise.

I am not doing anything all day today, that kind of sucks. I leave tomorrow morning and I am barely packed. I always feel like I am forgetting something, and I usually do. I am very frightened that I will end up leaving my cell phone or my clothes or something.

Yesterday, Danyel, Julie and I went to Peanut Island. I am so fucking sunburnt. I hate the fucking beach. I actually had fun, but I am paying for it now. I can't take a shower or change clothes because it hurts to bad.

well cott damn I am out of things to say.

goodbye and stuff.

(9 dreams | thrown away.)

[03 Jun 2004|12:21am]
Everyone please leave me a random/interesting/haha,funny/mean/memory/beautiful comment.
I would greatly feel loved before I leave all you ladies on Friday. =(

(5 dreams | thrown away.)

god I am an asshole. [30 May 2004|11:47pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

fuck...more adventures.

Through the fucking woods, the locked pools, the spriklers, the moving cars, the publix bicycle man, the ghostly guy who disappeared into nothing, the negros in the car, the blisters on our feet, the bug bites that arn't bug bites, our apathetic friends, walking by the asshole security gaurd drinking a budweiser, finally getting home, sitting on the kitchen floor, three people in my bath tub shaving their legs...

and all because we wanted to fucking swim.

all dressed up and nowhere to go

(3 dreams | thrown away.)

I am eating stuffing? [30 May 2004|10:17am]
[ mood | tired ]

Friday was kind of a bad day, I went with john, Julie, Danyel and everyone after school. We drove around for hours...then danyel and I went to David's house. We just chilled there, then walked to walmart to see Erik. That didn't go too well. Started walking back to Eddi's but danyel and I were falling in the road. Thankfully, john saw us walking and picked us up. Got back to Eddi's, cryed for like two hours. Threw up like once, it was bloody. It was pretty fucking disgusting. Then passed out. Not a good night.

Woke up Saturday and ate Easy Mac and Shrek gummy bears with Danyel. Watched some prom bullshit on MTV at Eddi's. John came and got us and we drove around. Drove all the way to fucking Hypoluxo or some shit. Saw the hottest man alive, drank a snapple and saw a fucking snake and a car on fire on I95, also gave two dollars to a bum. Picked up Meaka and Kym, um sat at Pizza Hut and waited for Eddi to get off. Came back to Eddi's and sat around a table drinking with Danyel, and Julie talked to us. lol We talked about alot of things. Went to go to sleep around three and decided we didn't want to be there anymore so Alan drove us to david's. Then I was stumbling and wanted a fucking bed so I made them walk back to Eddi's. We were locked out of Eddi's so I layed on the cement and slept for an hour. Finally found out that the door was unlocked the whole fucking time. Went inside. fell asleep. An hour later Julie wakes me up and we went to Caitlins. Then walked here.

Ugh, this has been confusing. John, Danyel, and Julie baught me the most beautiful bowl for my birthday.

yeah yeah whatver. byeeee

(thrown away.)

[28 May 2004|08:59am]
Last day of school.

I can't wait to leave this place.

(1 dream | thrown away.)

[27 May 2004|10:02pm]
I am done taking your shit. You've said what you needed to say, and that's the end I guess. Because there is nothing left to be said.

(3 dreams | thrown away.)

a mixture of assholes. [27 May 2004|07:04pm]
Fuck you and your lies. Fuck your ability to piss me off. Fuck your ignorance. Fuck your need to tell everyone everything. Fuck your opinion. Fuck your beauty. Fuck your confidence and your arrogance. Fuck caring what everything thinks about you. Fuck your forgetfullness. Fuck your hypocricy and your ego.

Fuck you.

(2 dreams | thrown away.)

Every beginning has an end. [26 May 2004|08:12pm]
[ mood | disgusting. ]

I wish I could just spill out with everything that is on my mind, everything that is bothering me, everything that is fucked up and making me act like a retarded little emo child that I have always hated. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I can't figure it out.
It seems like everyone is finally realizing that life isn't that bad, and that being happy actually is a "cool" thing. It's awesome, because I have always wanted things to work out for everyone like this.
I am not trying to complain about my friends, because I love my friends. If it weren't for them then I don't know what I would do. Everything just seems so miserable right now, and little things that people do and say are really starting to get to me.
It's one thing being used, but it's a whole nother thing when people talk about it. Don't ask what I am talking about, because I most likely wont tell you. I don't even know exactly what I am talking about. Because this is starting to make no sence at all.
Today Danyel and I were talking about what it would be like if we could forget everything and everyone and move away, just drop all of our memories. Some people think that a good solution is to move away and leave everything and everyone behind, but what good is that going to do? Memories are going to follow you wherever you go, and you can't do anything to stop it.
All these posts I have been writting about wanting a boyfriend, I take them all back. I have came to the realization that I am not worthy of being a girlfriend. (Thanks to some of my friends.) And right now, a boyfriend is the last thing I need. As much as I want someone to care about me on a personal level, and respect me and love me, I know that every good beginning has an end. Pulling a boyfriend into my life right now is just going to give me temperary security and euphoria, but I know it would eventually end. And then this would all happen over again.
In a way, I am kind of happy to go to South Carolina this summer. I really need to get away. I will miss a few people a lot, and I know I will come back here and everything is going to be the same and my problems are still going to be waiting for me to return. But I need to get away, I really need to get away.
Fuck, I am sorry that this was such a long entry. I'll go now.

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]